For those of you too lazy to figure out what the plot of the
Decemberists’ new album is for yourself, here is the story as I
discerned it from finally reading the liner notes:
Margaret: I’m a pretty girl!
William:
I’m a handsome boy and I <3’s Mags very much, but my mom’s all like,
turned me into a deer during the day or something. Yeah, weird crap. I
don’t really know how that works out.
Margaret: Me either, honestly. Well, I <3 you anyways Prince Bambilliam! *deer-snog*
Queen:
I am Bill’s possessive mother/witch/queen! I made him who he is today,
and he goes and makes out with that hussy? Listen to yo’ mama and quit
hittin that thing!
William: Awww, do I gotta?
Queen: YUS. >:O
Rake: Oh ho ho, I am the nasty children-killing villain, here to make out with some ladies! Oh ho ho, art thou a lady?
Margaret: What?
Rake: WAH WAH WAH!
Margaret: Oh, snaps.
William: WTFOMGRAKE?!
Rake: Tee hee! SCAMPER!
Queen:
O hai there Rake. I see that you got that annoying girl I hate slung
over your horse. Have I mentioned I hate her cause she took my son,
whom I’m creepily attached to, away from me? How about I magically fly
you over this massive crazy river so you can have your way with her and
my son will obviously come running back to me, his mother, who turned
him into a deer, and totally not go after the hot chick?
Rake: Giggidy giggidy! *fly! fly! land!* Ok, now’s time for my most awesome evil monologue, mkay?
Margaret: What you say?!
Ghosts of Dead Children: ‘Sup, Pops. You murdered us in brutal and terrifying ways, so we is comin’ back to haunt joo!
Rake:
Crap, I knew I shouldn’t have killed those guys. I better…go…do
something else. Forget this tramp. Deer kissing is creepy anyway. Okbai!
Margaret: I’m free I’m free! I’m…Hey, a really big river. Bummer.
William, on the other side: I know, right?
Margaret: Hmm.
William: Canoe?
Margaret: Can-what now?
William: NM. Let’s swim for it, Little White Dove…I mean, Margaret. It’s only a raging river. What could possibly go wrong?
Margaret: Mos def.
And so they swim, suck face and drown. Soooo sad.
So I guess…drowning in a river is one of the many hazards of love. Who knew?
And now you know. Good job.